Prism
by Virtuoso of the Arts
Summary: Of all the colors of the rainbow Puck knew blue to be the strongest. It has the ability to consume you and eat away at your soul. This is what happens when Puck lets it do just that. TRIGGER WARNING: minor noncon, violence. Re uploaded from previous profile silvermaverick77 that has been deleted.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS: ANGST, SELF HARM, VIOLENCE**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its' characters. I am doing this for entertainment purposes only and am in no way profiting from this.**

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

_She says I can sing this song so blue_

_That you will cry…in spite of you_

_Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder_

_Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder_

_And I have walked these streets so long_

_There ain't nothing right there ain't nothing wrong_

_The little wet tears on my baby's shoulder_

_Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder_

-From Lady by Regina Spektor

Sometimes it's like color surrounding you. Swirling and dipping and lazily hanging in the air. Tendrils unfurling and running through you right through your chest into your soul. Grabbing a piece of it and making you feel something so acute, so wonderfully happy or disparagingly sad. Each color has their own emotion to evoke within you. The yellows and oranges make you feel alive; make you feel like you can conquer anything. But the blue. The blue is like a frost, and icy frost that burns inside. A cold fire that made you lose all hope but at the same time was so beautiful that it sweeps you up, holding you in its throws. It reminds you of all of the things that can be gained and lost in a matter of seconds. It makes you think of beautiful things like a baby's laugh, home and laying in the grass watching the clouds or if you prefer, the stars. However, it also reminds you of the terrible things as in pain, loss and death. It makes you realize how little you know and how much you have learned and how insignificant and special you are. It makes you cry. It gives you hope. It makes you human.

There is a problem however, when it stays. When it begins to take over that person; when the song is long gone but that dry ice stays in your chest. It starts to consume you, to warp your reality. It makes you question everything that you thought you knew, and to doubt. It makes you doubt yourself and the people around you. To doubt purpose, to doubt worth. It can even make you doubt love. Yes, it becomes dangerous and Noah knew it. Noah knew that he had to get rid of it, make himself better and happy again but he couldn't do it alone. He couldn't do it alone and he needed help, but there was no one there when he called out; when he pleaded silently for just one person to ask him what was wrong, nobody answered. So he gave in.

**(A/n – okay so as you probably see, this is gonna be an angsty fic. One thing you should know about this fic is that there will be no dialogue. This is about Noah's struggle with depression and how he heals. All the thought processes and revelations and symptoms are completely realistic. As I have had experience with clinical depression I can assure you it will be accurate. What I would like you to remember from the get go is that depression is a DISORDER so how Noah views the world doesn't make sense, hence DISORDER. Thank you for tuning in to my fic, Please please review. It gives me incentive to write if I know that people are reading, and makes me know that all my work is worth it. If it sucks tell, just use nice words! Thank you again! –Missy Lynn)**


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING: GENERAL ANGST, CHILD ABUSE, NON CON (NON GRAPHIC), VIOLENCE

Disclaimer: I don't own this and never will.

**Chapter 2: The Arrival of Puck**

_Some days aren't yours at all_

_They come and go_

_As if they're someone else's days_

_They come and leave you behind someone else's face_

_And it's harsher than yours_

_And colder than yours_

-from Somedays by Regina Spektor

Noah isn't sure when he stopped being. He isn't sure when Noah faded into the background and Puck showed up. It was probably somewhere between 5th and 6th grade. It was probably somewhere between his mom's eighth or ninth boyfriend. It could have been when the eighth one beat him so bad that his eyes were swollen shut, and his ribs were broken. He doesn't remember much but he does remember the fear of the enraged man raining blows that felt like they would never stop. He remembers his sister trying to pull the much bigger man off of him even though she was just a toddler, saw him turn his manic eyes onto her and pick her up like she was nothing but a rag and throw her- literally _throw_ her- into the china cabinet. He could see her through his cloudy vision that was spotted black , just lying there cuts, blood, and glass just glistening on her skin. He tried to get up, tried to save her but the _pain _the pain was too much. The man saw this and smiled, a nasty horrible smile that promised pain and turned back to him. That's where the memory stopped

For a long time Noah thought that was going to be the end. He woke up in the hospital attached to so many machines, with the bright lights glaring at him. It was hard to see, his throat hurt and all he could think about was _Sarah_. He started to panic until he heard that all too familiar squeal and a ball of girl just bounced up to his bedside, excited just to see him open his eyes. Fears vanquished he fell back asleep. When he woke up for good and was allowed to go back home, he was so pampered and spoiled he thought that it would be the end of the mean people his mother brought home. After he countless apologies that she wasn't home to protect her children, he thought that would be the end.

However then there came the ninth. He was a nice man, charming good looking. Puck loved him. He always played with Noah and Sarah, teaching them how to fish, tucking them into bed at night, even cooking when his mama was too tired. For the first time, one of Mama's men paid attention to Puck, wanted to spend time with her kids. He quickly became attached, he was always excited when Charles showed up for dinner, when he'd take them out for ice cream, when he'd take them all to the rock quarry to have a picnic. Puck always got to sit in front when it was just him and Charles and Sarah.

At first the changes weren't noticeable really, he held Noah down longer when they wrestled, tickled for longer, spent more time together alone. He began to get Noah presents, mostly new baseball cards or a new football jersey. Noah thought it was great that he got gifts without even doing anything particularly good, all Charles asked for was a kiss. Now at first he was confused, until Charles explained you always kissed people you really liked and asked Noah if he liked him. Of course Noah said yes, and he _did_ like Charles, why wouldn't he? Charles was nice and played ball with them and got them ice cream and he never hit Mama, or him and Sarah. He trusted him and if Charles said it was normal to kiss on the mouth then it must be because Charles was nice and Charles never lied.

It was when the he was tucking him in one night that Puck felt something wasn't right. Charles kissed him on the mouth then, but it was different. It was hard and rough and Puck didn't like it at all, he didn't know why, he just didn't. He began to get more uncomfortable the next day when the man pulled him inside to tell him under no circumstances was he to tell his mother that they kissed. Puck was confused; He was confused because if this was normal then why did he have to lie? The man explained that Mama would get jealous if he thought that Puck like Charles more than her. Puck nodded and promised . After that Puck never questioned, not when they were alone and they wrestled and that man held him down and just touched him all over, not when he started coming into his bedroom at night saying that if Puck _really _liked him, that he would touch him back. Puck kept quiet because the man said that Mama would get real sad and be mad at Puck for making Charles go away, because that was what the man would do if he told.

One day when his mom was at work, the man said they were going to bed. So as usual Puck went to the bedroom, stripped and laid down. The man usually just liked to look at him before touching. This time was different though. He hardly looked, he came in and suddenly was on top of him. He was touching him everywhere. He handled Puck roughly, flipping him on his stomach and all Puck could see was the Starwars themed pillow as his whole body was filled with pain. He thought he was splittling in half and he was screaming and biting at the pillow and begging the man to stop. He was begging him to stop hurting him but the man didn't listen, he just kept grunting and moaning and Puck thought he was dying, it hurt so _bad. _Suddenly there were shouts and screaming and the man gone but Puck was still in so much pain. He saw the man running and Mama was chasing after him with his baseball bat, the one that Charles gave him, and she was screaming. Then she was by him, looking at him with her teary eyes, her face red with anger and fear, and she was asking if she was okay. He didn't know how to answer, it was all too much and he couldn't comprehend, it was too loud, too bright, and the black spots came and it wasn't too much anymore. It was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, if I did I wouldn't be as poor as I am.**

_Take it all off and you'll see brightly_

_Provocative shapes make me surrender_

_Far and away she's an old structure_

_Rapidly talks so you can fuck her_

_Call it all off call her to censor_

_Can't escape, I can't escape_

_The control it takes, control it takes_

_I am, I am, I am a woman_

_I am, I am, I am a human_

_Take it all off, take it all off_

_That's what she wants_

_That's what she wants_

**Human After All by Twin Atlantic**

Puck was a whore. He knew this fact like he knew his own face and he liked to keep it that way. Since junior high he knew that he wasn't going to make it in life simply because he, well he was stupid. He barely scraped by elementary school by cheating off Finn's work (not that he was much better) and getting in trouble so much that they were glad to get rid of him. He didn't tell anyone that he didn't understand the work or the fact that he had trouble reading because the words floated off of the page and turned backwards. Math was even worse.

So from then on, he coasted. He could intimidate the smaller kids into letting him cheat and make them do his homework but he soon found that girls were different. Girls would rat him out the second he tried to intimidate them, so one day he decided to do something different. He turned on the charm, and he soon found that if you were nice to them and gave them useless empty comments that they melted like putty. He didn't get it but he did what he had to do and if that included telling the fat girl with the acne and braces that she was hot, then so be it.

It was also then that he realized that he didn't really like girls in general, well not as much. Sure they were nice to look at, all soft curves and pretty smells and tinkling laughs, he could appreciate an attractive girl when he saw one. However, he couldn't quite get himself to _like _them. While everyone was getting crushes and talking about boobs, he couldn't help but think that boobs were just _weird._ But he played along acting like he thought the same things, he even boasted about getting to second base (which he hadn't, but hey, no one could prove it) and even going so far to say he nailed the hot (according to everyone else) chick in his intermediate algebra class.

It was ninth grade when he started his pool business. His mom was working two jobs back to back with five hours sleep in between. Although, he didn't do it for her, he did it for Sarah. He could care less about his mom for all of the things she put him through and all of the promises she had broken. The reality was that they would have enough money to eat something other than Ramen every night if she didn't spend it all on booze. Noah didn't really care until he really took a look at Sarah and how she was suffering, her clothes were threadbare, her skin pallid and cheeks sunken in, her hair was greasy and unhealthy from not even having proper shampoo, when he looked closer he found she was absolutely infested with lice. That same day he stole money from his mom's purse, went to her store and got her a lice kit, shampoo, soap and actual food. Afterward, he didn't even regret it as he got slapped and kicked out for three days. He slept under the porch.

Those three days he came up with a plan of getting a job and made a promise to himself that he would spend the money on Sarah and himself only. Fuck his mom. He found pool cleaning supplies, pump and nets outside somebody's house with a free sign on, so he took it home and fixed it up which wasn't too hard and started going door to door offering to clean anyone and everyone's pools.

He soon found that even though he was getting ample business, he was hardly making anything. Fruits and vegetables were _expensive_ and don't get him started on soap, toothpaste and vitamins. So when one of the older married ladies started paying Puck particular attention especially when he had his shirt off (it was hot dammit) he didn't know what to do. He realized she was _flirting_ with him and he had no idea what to do. Then one day she asked if he wanted to make some extra money and of course he did, so he followed her into the house, up the stairs and into her bedroom. When she started stripping, he started to panic as he realized that _she wanted to have sex._ He was at a loss, he didn't find her attractive like _at all_ but he knew he had to perform or he wasn't getting anything. So he thought of every hot thing he could and ignored the soft curves and heavy perfumes that she was pressing against his body, instead he imagined hard abs and defined arms, those V's that lead down to low hanging jeans accented by soft the fine hair that made up the happy trail leading right down to- and that's when he lost his virginity. It's also when he lost his pride. When he figured out that most of the ladies that he worked for were just as lonely and desperate, he began offering up his body; he began to whore himself out because that was the best way, the only way, to get the money he needed. Even though he felt used, he didn't feel guilty because it worked and he could feed his sister and buy her new clothes and make her feel pretty so that she didn't get made fun of at school. If it made her happy, then it must be the right thing to do.

Puck was a whore and he knew it and he couldn't- and wouldn't- change it because if he did, he would break his promise and he couldn't protect Sarah anymore. So he cleaned pools and fucked other men's wives just so they could feel good about themselves all the while wishing for stubble, hard chests, abs and deep voices. However, it wasn't about what he wanted, he was a whore and this was what he was good for. This was what he deserved because he let her down once and he would spend however long it took to fix it.

**A/N I'd really love some reviews. Reviews and Story Alerts are the things that give me the confidence to write; constructive criticism gives me a reason to keep writing and strive for success. So I'd be so appreciative if you'd take the time to review, even if it's a single sentence I promise you that it means a lot to me**

**Thank you, Missy Lynn  
**


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